Really Starbucks? Really?
I am, as we speak, drinking an earl grey latte. Which tastes a little bit like sour ass. But I’m sick and it was $4 so I’m still drinking it. Normally, I wouldn’t even have Starbucks, but I made coffee this morning and my milk has apparently gone bad since Wednesday, because that also tasted like sour ass.
It’s a sour ass day, I guess.*
Gross.
I have a Starbucks in the lobby of my building (are you jealous?) so it’s a short elevator ride to Tastytown. Did I just say that? I blame the lack of caffeine in my life. Don’t hate. Anyway, you should really not be jealous because having one that close generally means that I spend half my paycheck there and am subsequently broke by the end of the month. It also means I’ve developed a particular loathing for Miss “I’ll have a grande half-caf soy 2 pump low sugar hazelnut latte with no foam” and her friend “Venti quad non-fat sugar-free because I’m watching my weight vanilla soy latte with extra whip cream and some foam.” I see that a LOT. I work in a building with lawyers and bankers, who apparently need to extend their love of details to their coffee. Meanwhile, I’m standing there crabby, pre-caffeine, and I just want my tall coffee. Or sometimes, if I feel fancy, I’m waiting on a 2 pump vanilla latte.
I get it, I get it. Starbucks owes its success to the GHCS2PLSHLWNF (even the acronym is unwieldy) orderers of the world, and can’t tell them to go away for being obnoxious, but can those people please die in a fire?
Wait, that’s harsh. Um…please go to another Starbucks where everyone is ordering things like that so I never have to resist the urge to stab you again? Is that nicer? Because I STILL HAVEN’T HAD ANY COFFEE AND ASS LATTE IS ASSY AND I DO NOT WANT!
This is the most pointless blog ever. I’m sorry. Just tell me you hate people like that too and then come stroke my hair and say I’m pretty even though I have a snotty nose. That’s what Jesus would do.
*This could be related to the large amounts of mucus currently resting in my face/mouth/nose/throat region. I missed TMI Thursday because of said mucus. I hate missing TMI Thursday. Bastard snot. Anyway, I think it might be making everything taste like ass. Sigh.
Posted: January 29th, 2010 under Shit I don't like.
Tags: I'm a big fat whiner when I don't feel good, nobody likes me everybody hates me
Comments
Comment from KeepingYouAwake
Time January 29, 2010 at 10:43 am
I love hearing someone say “hold the whip” I really need to think up something quippy to shoot back at them from behind after that shit.
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Comment from Jeney
Time January 29, 2010 at 10:43 am
I used to work with women like GHCS2PLSHLWNF and one would always order that half-decaf crap.
Half decaf? Seriously? What the hell is the point of that? It’s like getting meth with half the Clorox. No fun.
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Comment from Becca
Time January 29, 2010 at 10:45 am
I was in a foul mood yesterday and my friend showed me this: http://www.weebls-stuff.com/catface/Cat%20Face/
You will either think: A. I’m a huge freak, B. I’ve seen better or C. after watching many episodes laugh hysterically.
I hope you feel better and enjoy this!
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Comment from Pecosa
Time January 29, 2010 at 10:47 am
Starbucks coffee snobs are like music snobs who like Nickelback. (who I happen to like, but never have I claimed to have “eclectic” taste in music”). Friggin’ posers.
You should try some Dentyne Ice gum. It sounds stupid, but that stuff clears my sinuses right up.
I’ll try to send Jesus your way to pat your back and stroke your hair as soon as he’s done mowing the front lawn in the main building. Just fyi though, this Jesus goes by “Chuy”.
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Comment from Wonderful
Time January 29, 2010 at 11:16 am
Yeah, those people that order Starbucks speak a completely different language.
I’m currently on drugs as well to help my mucus go away–I just started taking Mucinex D yesterday, but so far I haven’t had any violent bouts of coughing yet so maybe you should try it…
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Comment from Cassie
Time January 29, 2010 at 11:53 am
2 pump vanilla latte<—SOOOOOO, THAT'S what you young people are calling it these days!!! hahahah
FUCK STARBUCKS and FUCK FROO FROO COFFEE!
just sayin
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Comment from clairemontgomerymd
Time January 29, 2010 at 12:13 pm
they really need an express line for us ‘normal’ people! feel better.
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Comment from admin
Time January 29, 2010 at 12:13 pm
@mandy – ME TOO!
@KYA – How about just punch them. Life sucks without whipped cream.
@Jeney – Half-caf is stupid as shit. And meth made me laugh. It shouldn’t though. Bad Jeney!
@Becca – That’s frickin hilarious! “Hey you kids, go away, I’m going to the shops you know?”
@Pecosa – Chuy will do. And the new guy brought me some vicks vaporub so I have that but I’m not rubbing it on my chest at work. “Hey why is your chest all greasy and smells like menthol?” HAWT!
@Wonderful – I speak the language but I resent it. Feh.
@Cassie – You are SUCH a perv! 
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Comment from admin
Time January 29, 2010 at 12:35 pm
@Claire – That’s what I was thinking. The “just coffee” line and all you have to say is the size you want. We’re geniuses.
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Comment from Becca
Time January 29, 2010 at 12:55 pm
Just wait till the episode with that chef Ramsay haha it’s the best one
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Comment from Mary
Time January 29, 2010 at 12:58 pm
I don’t do Starbucks, the whole concept is ridiculous to me. But you are very pretty even when you’re snotty, I’m sure of it 
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Comment from Amy
Time January 29, 2010 at 4:34 pm
I didn’t start going to Starbucks until last June. I’m totally confused by those people. I keep it simple with a Caramel Frapp Lite Venti.
And yes- I’m totally jealous you have a Starbucks just an elevator ride away!
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Comment from Vic
Time January 29, 2010 at 7:31 pm
I like my venti soy milk white chocolate mocha latte with whipped cream, thankyouverymuch. Even though I know that ordering it makes me sound like a pillow-biting ass-poundee.
However, Starbucks will hate me for admitting this: I can take it or leave it. I’m not a big coffee person.
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Comment from admin
Time February 1, 2010 at 6:49 am
@Mary – Thank you. And I used to be addicted to Starbucks but now I only go when I’m out of creamer.
@Amy – I just don’t get how they keep track of all that stuff. I JUST WANT MY COFFEE. IN A CUP. WITH MILK. Oy.
@Vic – Um you are a pillow biting ass poundee.
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Comment from moooooog35
Time February 1, 2010 at 9:40 am
You’d figure Earl Grey would, like, enema or something if he knew you were going to drink him. Sour ass taste GONE just like that.
Oh. Latte.
Nevermind.
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Pingback from Dramatic Sigh » You’re Pretty Much Going to Hell if You Don’t Read This
Time February 1, 2010 at 12:07 pm
[...] Really Starbucks? Really? [...]
Comment from Marta
Time February 2, 2010 at 8:09 am
Hasn’t this topic already been covered by every late 90s stand-up comedian? You really had to blog about it? Really?
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Comment from admin
Time February 2, 2010 at 9:03 am
@Marta – Were I trying to be funny, instead of just sick and cranky, I would understand why your panties are all in a bunch. And if I’m half as awesome as Night Court, color me thrilled.
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Comment from KeepingYouAwake
Time February 2, 2010 at 9:05 am
@ Marta – It’s been covered by a lot of comedians. Sort of like how every comedian has a bit about how black people and white people are different. I kinda wish I could follow you around with my phone out to look up everything you talk about and cite other people who’ve substantially covered that topic in the past to whoever you talk to.
But they won’t care, because they like you anyway. I guess that’s what just happened here. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
Fuck. I think I just stole that from Bambi. I’m being unoriginal. Someone call me on it.
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Comment from gingermandy
Time February 2, 2010 at 2:00 pm
marta – pretty sure we’ve all blogged about shit other people have talked about. i don’t know, they’re called “thoughts.” get some.
you do realize countless people troll blogs to spew snotty words to whoever will listen, right? so you really had to hop on that bandwagon? really? is it necessary? god. be original. or at least link a pic of your mug instead of the IMDB page of someone you’ll never know.
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Comment from Veronica
Time February 21, 2010 at 11:41 am
Wow. This really took me back. I worked at Starbucks in college. And yes. Hate hate so much hate for so many people in so many ways and many wishes that they would die in a fire.
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Comment from m
Time March 29, 2010 at 4:03 pm
starbucks early grey latte = bad
earl gray milkshake from ‘paris on the platte’ = akin to a religious experience
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Comment from gingermandy
Time January 29, 2010 at 10:31 am
i’m watching my acne. hold the whip.
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