Rules for sex stories
Before I start, let me warn you that this is pretty fuckin offensive. Don’t read it if you’re gonna be a little bitch about it.
This morning I was talking to my friend Kevin, and as usual, the conversation turned to the disgusting. I’m relatively sure we have a running contest neither of us knows about to see who can make the other person throw up faster. He told me he had sex with a girl (I made sure he meant human girl) and that turned into rules for sex stories. Because there need to be some. So here are the ones we came up with so far (feel free to add yours in the comments):
1. No ugly people. I don’t want to picture that. We can all be PC and say we don’t mind but yeah, we do.
2. Per Kevin: “No morbidly obese people, unless it’s an engineering blog.” I won’t pretend I didn’t laugh at that. I’m not that good of a person.
3. Nothing overly gross. I don’t want to know about your medical conditions. Saying you got your period while you were having sex and didn’t realize it is one thing, but the phrase “rectal bleeding” should NEVER be used (that’s from Kevin).
4. Don’t describe the cum. Just don’t. Fuckin sick.
5. Don’t spring your fetish on people out of nowhere. If everyone knows from the beginning that you like to have sex with your miniature stallion, that’s one thing. I’m still avoiding you like the plague, but at least I’m prepared. But if you seem pretty vanilla and suddenly the story turns into, “And then I fucked the cat,” I will cry. Don’t tell that story, and you know what? Just don’t fuck the cat.
Those were the big ones we came up with before I realized that this was already the most offensive thing I’ve ever written and stopped. Nothing in this blog is meant to say that anyone fitting these descriptions shouldn’t be HAVING sex (unless it’s with animals). You just shouldn’t be telling people about it.
Feel free to direct all hate mail to jag@dramaticsigh.com. Don’t send pictures.
Posted: February 26th, 2010 under Grossness, Just plain TMI, Sex.
Tags: cats are giant dickheads, I care about my readers, Stop being gross right now!
Comments
Comment from Don’tBeThatGuy
Time February 26, 2010 at 9:55 am
Also people should never describes cysts while talking about sex.
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Comment from Travis
Time February 26, 2010 at 10:14 am
Don’t mention what was left on your dick after the buttsecks.
I still can’t eat celery.
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Comment from Elly Lou
Time February 26, 2010 at 10:35 am
*spits out celery and runs weeping to the bathroom*
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Comment from shine
Time February 26, 2010 at 11:22 am
I actually am not sure any of these things would ALWAYS make me puke. It’s all in the delivery.
Having said that, if you’re having sex with your relatives, I don’t want to know about it. EVER.
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Comment from admin
Time February 26, 2010 at 11:55 am
@mandy – I just threw up. Congratulations.
@Don’tBeThatGuy – I do what I want!
@Travis – Oh yeah. Bleeeeh. I just gagged. TWSS!
@Elly Lou- Oh my god, I know. I can’t eat it anymore.
@shine – It’s always different if it’s a good friend versus just throwing it out there for everyone. But you’re right, never ever tell me about incest. Ever.
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Comment from Cassie
Time February 26, 2010 at 12:51 pm
well btwn the no ugly people and no morbidly obese, I’m out…lol
I’m sure these could have gotten A LOT worse than this….lol
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Comment from Ells
Time February 26, 2010 at 2:13 pm
No animal noises, except elephant noises. Those can stay.
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Comment from Barbara
Time February 27, 2010 at 8:19 am
I definitely agree with all of these…especially #4. No one wants to know about that.
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Comment from clairemontgomerymd
Time February 28, 2010 at 10:08 am
very good rules! what scares me is they had to be defined. please add to the list to never, ever, ever mention fecal matter.
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Comment from mylittlebecky
Time February 28, 2010 at 3:22 pm
it’s about time SOMEONE went over these rules… thank you.
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Comment from Heather G
Time February 28, 2010 at 11:42 pm
I don’t tell sex stories because honestly, I feel awkward thinking about people’s parts and wondering what they look like, if they are big or small or bent or oddly colored and invariably if I hear someone talking about the sex, then that is where my mind goes. “I wonder what so and so would look like having the sex.” So I spare others the mental loop that I imagine they might be having.
Unless I become prison rape investigator, I never ever ever want to hear about anyone’s ass sex.
(your page keeps calling my comment spammy. *sob*)
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Comment from KeepingYouAwake
Time March 1, 2010 at 10:15 am
I agree about the poop comment from clairemontgomerymd. I mean, really. There’s potty time and sexy time and never the tween shall meet.
What’s so wrong about describing the cum? I mean, like if you’re classy and you say, “Oh yeah, there was a lot of it. It looked like marbley white maple syrup dripping down through…” You’r right, never mind.
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Comment from lbluca77
Time March 1, 2010 at 11:40 am
Ewww describing the cum is always a no-no. Unless you decribe it the way keepingyouawake did.
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Comment from Steam Me Up Kid
Time March 2, 2010 at 9:46 pm
“Don’t describe the cum.” I’m going to have that engraved on my gravestone.
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Comment from admin
Time March 3, 2010 at 7:30 am
@Cassie – WUS!
@Ells – I can’t even make a good elephant noise. If you can, I’m impressed.
@Barbara – Yeah just thinking about it…bleeeh.
@Claire – You and fecal matter. BUT YOU GAVE SOMEONE A RIM JOB ONCE!
@Heather – I try not to picture people, period. Even if they’re hot, I still don’t want to think about it when I see them. Aaawkward.
@KYA – Shut your goddamn mouth. I just threw up.
@lbluca – No, no, still don’t do it. He should be beaten for that.
@Sara – NO. Why are we all encouraging that?
@SMUK – Well, it’s as good an epitaph as any, and more interesting than “She lived a good life.” Yaaawnsies.
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Comment from Paula
Time March 5, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Oh my god, what sort of sick freak describes the CUM??? That is beyond disgusting!
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Comment from andhari
Time March 9, 2010 at 12:19 am
HAHAHA this is awesome. Me and my friends often tell sex stories to each other too ( TMI ) and some of their details can be super shocking. And it’s hard to not visualize your friends during the stories. Yuck.:p
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Comment from gingermandy
Time February 26, 2010 at 9:53 am
i’m sending pics of the cum so i don’t have to gross you out by describing it.
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