Dramatic Sigh

Last time I wrote a TMIT post, I was classy(ish). Today? It’s March 18th, so you know this one’s bad. Last night, I lost my virginity. No, not that kind. My “puking in the gutter” virginity. But oh no, that’s not it. Of course it’s not, so I’ll just back up a little bit. First, here are some facts:

1.  I used to be able to hold my liquor. I can’t do it anymore but sometimes I forget that.
2. I went straight to the bar from work, and didn’t eat anything.
3. I am a goddamn idiot.
4. Car bombs are delicious.

I only planned on having a beer or two with some friends before meeting Wes for dinner. Except that without food, a beer and a car bomb was all it took for me to not be ok to drive. Since I’m not a total retard, I called and cancelled because I definitely wasn’t risking a DUI (and, you know, my life). He offered to come pick me up but I said no since downtown was a clusterfuck, and said I’d just call him later.

Which I totally did.

Once I knew I didn’t need to drive for awhile, several things happened in quick succession. I drank another beer, bought 2 car bombs and drank both since I couldn’t find my friend and them shits aren’t portable, gave some guy my beads, realized they weren’t actually mine and asked for them back, showed him my boobs to get them back, realized everyone left and I was alone, tried to find the bar they went to (which was around the corner, and yeah, I knew that), stumbled many blocks out of the way, thought I was lost even though I work and play in that neighborhood, called Wes crying because I was scared, had him come pick me up, tried to get him to pull over on the highway, and then puked in the gutter as soon as we got to his house.

Got all that? Because I was trying to get it all out really fast like maybe that means it didn’t really happen?

Also, all of that happened by about 8:30pm. When we got home and Wes told me it was that early, I didn’t believe him because seriously, HOW DID I BECOME SUCH A MESS THAT FAST?! But I couldn’t really think about it with my face in the toilet and my stomach turning inside out. Wes is a fucking CHAMP, by the way. He held my hair, somehow got my belligerent ass in the shower, and put me to bed. Then he got me up this morning and took me to work at 6 motherfucking am, even though he doesn’t work until like, 9. Yeah, he’s amazing. No, I do not deserve him even one little bit.

And now that I’ve really, truly shamed myself all over the internets, I have to go die and also maybe puke up the egg mcmuffin I just ate. I bet you guys can’t WAIT for Vegas…