Dear Hot Homeless Guy
Yeah, you read that right. Hot and homeless in the same sentence. See, there’s this really attractive homeless (I think) guy who hangs around my office all the time. And he’s not hot for a hobo, he’s hot for a normal person, which is weird and confusing because every time I see him, I can’t help but check him out. And then, because he either has some sort of mental illness or pretends to to keep people away, he gives me the evil eye. So anyway, instead of writing about how I’m OMG SO EXCITED FOR VEGAS I CAN’T STAND IT AND THIS IS TOTALLY GONNA BE ME AND MANDY TOMORROW 
EXCEPT WE’LL BE IN AN AIRPORT, AND ALSO WE’LL MOST LIKELY BOTH BE HUMAN, I’m going to write about homeless guy. I mean, I already am, but like…more. More of this. Aren’t you glad?
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Dear HHG,
Could you try not to be all hot and tanned (which I know is from living outside and all and you can’t actually help that), but also crazy? I don’t know if you’re actually schizo or just faking it, but when you yelled BOO! in that woman’s face, it was, frankly, a little scary. Mostly to her, since I was still about 30 feet away, but you get my point. Maybe. Also? The radio flyer full of miscellaneous crap is a great alternative to the traditional shopping cart. I admire your creativity. However, bringing the wagon into the bagel place makes people nervous. Plus you’re blocking the line, which means I’m stuck with the creepy old guy who is not homeless but still totally creepy and likes to talk to me. Thanks for that. Maybe you could be a little less selfish next time.
Anyway, I think you should just work on the crazy and get a job so it would be socially acceptable for us to make out. But probably take a shower first. I’m assuming that wandering around Denver all day isn’t the cleanest activity. Oh, and if you’re secretly a grad student who’s doing a sociological experiment or something, definitely call me. But still shower first. And lose the wagon.
Love,
The girl you give the stink eye to all the time
Posted: May 19th, 2010 under Love.
Tags: Dirty bird, Yes I'm single why do you ask?
Comments
Comment from Sara
Time May 19, 2010 at 8:16 am
“We’ll most likely both be human”
Thanks for the laugh. And I’m totally jealous that I don’t get to go. And kind of pissed. Sad face.
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Comment from Libby
Time May 19, 2010 at 8:19 am
Maybe he’s a prince under a hobo curse and all he needs is a kind woman to give him love’s true kiss…
I wouldn’t try it though. You could get scabies.
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Comment from Cassie
Time May 19, 2010 at 8:20 am
where are the PICTURES?!?!?! lol
I like “Oh, and if you’re secretly a grad student who’s doing a sociological experiment or something, definitely call me. But still shower first. And lose the wagon.”
you nut! lol
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admin Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
I’m afraid he’d attack me if I tried to take a pic. And my phone doesn’t have zoom!
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Comment from foxy
Time May 19, 2010 at 10:21 am
Man, if only I had a hot homeless guy to make my days more exciting. Even with the stink eye, that sounds kinda fun. Wait… am I jealous of your hot homeless guy? Yes, I think I am. That’s weird.
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admin Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
I understand though. It’s more interesting than the regular homeless guys who just ask for change. This one yells.
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Comment from Suburban Sweetheart
Time May 19, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Well, this was already hilarious, but for some reason “And lose the wagon” really capped it. Well done, my friend.
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The wagon is bulky.
Comment from Dani
Time May 19, 2010 at 2:06 pm
Lol I used to get hit on all the time by homeless people (who were far from hot) which I’m sure does not say anything flatering about me.
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admin Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 2:57 pm
A homeless guy used the greatest line I’ve ever heard on me. He told my male friend not to get blown up and when my friend asked why, he yelled, “BECAUSE SHE IS THE BOMB!” It was fantastic.
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Comment from OG
Time May 19, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I think this is the first time I’ve read your blog (mary sent me over). I actually laughed out loud at this post. Maybe if you brought him a gift he would like you – perhaps a bar of soap or some kind of meds.
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admin Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 2:59 pm
Yay for Mary! And for you! And maybe a little bit for me! (I’m reaaaally excited today, can you tell?)
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Comment from Ells
Time May 19, 2010 at 6:16 pm
I don’t think it’s right to deny your dreams. Make a pass at the homeless guy. I hear crazy people are great in the sack.
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admin Reply:
May 20th, 2010 at 7:14 am
Ohhh, maybe that explains why I get so many compliments…
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Comment from jules
Time May 20, 2010 at 4:04 am
Maybe YOU could give him a job doing “odd jobs” around your office or home. Help him out.. you know. Speed things along….
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admin Reply:
May 20th, 2010 at 7:14 am
Ha! I wish, but there’s that whole “I’m poor as shit” thing to consider. Damn it lottery, why can’t I win you?
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Comment from gingermandy
Time May 20, 2010 at 5:58 am
holy crap i just snarfed. “we’ll both most likely be human.”
I WANNA BE THE BABY SEAL!
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Comment from Fiona
Time May 20, 2010 at 8:54 am
Shouting BOO at people could mean he’s not crazy but merely sick of people acting as though he’s invisible because he’s homeless.
I just sucked ALL the fun out of this, didn’t I.
*sigh*
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Comment from Grace
Time June 3, 2010 at 1:33 pm
Poor guy. I bet he used to be Mr. Popular back in high school.
The letter though, is hilarious. Thanks.
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Pingback from Dramatic Sigh » Hi, I’m a fatty fat. Plus an update!
Time June 22, 2010 at 3:03 pm
[...] Dear Hot Homeless Guy [...]
admin Reply:
May 19th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I cannot make guarantees. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, including species changes.
I’m sad that like, everyone in the world couldn’t come.
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